The secret of adoption: to keep or not to keep?

The secret of adoption has become the plot of many films and serials: in almost every second soap opera, heroes learn about their origin when they are already adults. Usually in films everything ends with a happy ending, and the intrigue is kept until the end of the movie. But what about real life? Does an adopted child talk about their biological parents? Speaking when? And how to choose the right words and phrases?

Foster parents have a lot of fears about this. What if the child wants to find biological parents and goes to them? Will the child have the feeling that he has been deceived for a long time? Therefore, some couples are trying to postpone a delicate conversation to the last. Sometimes, until some kind-hearted aunt in the yard tells the child an interesting “news.”

The secret of adoption is when deception is protected by law. But the law does not save children from the arbitrariness of adults. In the summer of 2012 in the Ukrainian city of Krasnodon, Lugansk region, a terrible incident occurred. Mother of many children killed two adopted children, but the family managed to hide this fact and a half years. The screaming question - where were the social services, the neighbors? They did not notice. The woman decided to keep the secret of adoption, changed the names of children, surnames and dates of birth to foster children, for the same reason she did not register with the clinic.

The mystery creates many problems for the lives of people who made the noble decision to take the orphan into the family. First of all, parents try to limit the range of their previous contacts so that someone will not accidentally let it slip. Some even change their place of residence and stop communicating with relatives and friends. Secondly, when it is necessary to collect certificates or documents, you still have to say that the child is adopted. In such circumstances, parents have anxiety, which is comparable to the anxiety of a hiding criminal.

The fears of many parents due to the fact that the child may leave or will treat them badly are in vain. Many American psychologists advise to tell the child about his origin as soon as possible. Then you can avoid the difficult and awkward moment of the "solemn" dubbing of the news.

At a certain age, everyone is interested in the question: “Where do children come from?” This is the best period to explain everything, and the child will gradually become aware of this fact.

One mother told the story. Her child knew he was adopted. Once in the yard, some boy wanted to insult him and said that he was not his own. The answer was worthy: "But you came out of the belly, and I am from a big loving heart."

Adolescence is not the best age for such revelations. Sooner or later there will be a desire to see the very first photos from the hospital, which are not in the family. If the parents refuse to discuss the issues of concern to the child, then he is left alone with the problem and still tries to get to the bottom of the truth. Adolescents perceive the world in a special way, adults forgive the deception of adults with difficulty, and in the future they also begin to lie. Such traumas can affect the state of mind in the future.

Many adoptive parents are worried about what neighbors, co-workers, and friends can say. But statistics show that more than 70% of people respect those who decide to adopt, and admire their actions.

The problem of adoption secrecy is a difficult question, it is not always possible to find the right answers here. When a child is born in a family, everyone around is happy and congratulate their parents on the completion. Why not do the same if a foster child appears in the family?

Watch the video: 5 TIPS on ADOPTION and MENTAL HEALTH. Kati Morton, Therapist. Kati Morton (February 2020).

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